Hello from Caribou Coffee Shop in Menomonie, WI,

I am back in my former hometown to visit Lydia and, hopefully, get some other needed work done over the next couple weeks. I arrived back in WI on the 22nd of December and will be here off and on until the 3rd week of January. Menomonie does not change much. It is a nice little town, but as far as towns, I believe Bloomsburg is a bit more quaint. However, I have to say my little house it Menomonie is hard to beat. We are into the last days of the year and It will be another entire year,both on the calendar, and since my father passed away. It is 14 years since his passing and I am back in Menomonie to care for and do some work I need to do for Lydia.

There is the infamous cliche about a tree falling in the woods. Somehow it seems sadly connected to the idea, if you do not remember your life, does it matter that it happened? What a pity for such an amazing lady. What I do know is she has certainly affected a number of other people and though her memory of almost all of it is gone, others will never forget her. She has so drastically changed my life. And there is a connection between my father and her. My father also suffered from Alzheimer’s Disease and I was not there to care for him as I should have. I have said to more than one person that caring for Lydia is my way of making up for those things I did not do for my father. Not to be morbid, but rather reflective, I am reminded that there are those people in our lives, who in our youth, we foolishly thought there would be another time. I have thought about my grandmother, Louise, whose pictures still graces the desk in my office at school. I can still tell you about the time I called her and spoke to her the last time. It was from a phone booth (remember those) on HWY 71 going into Carroll, IA. I should have stopped to see her before I left Sioux City. I had told her I would and then was too lazy to go over there. I never saw her alive again. That has always haunted me. At least in my father’s case, I was there a week or two before he had passed.

I have spent a lot of time with Lydia over the first few days I have been back, but today I have a stuffy nose and sore throat. The facility she is living in just got over a very bad flu outbreak, so I decided it is best if I do not visit her today. I am sorry, but as such, I have been just working on a list of tasks that is pretty long, and some of them are pretty time consuming. Caribou, where I wrote most of my dissertation is packed today. Some things are consistent here: Forrest. my old neighbor, is here; I am sitting in the back corner where I often sat when I was trying to get things done. There are a lot of new workers here, but as always, many of them hail from Minnesota.

The past few days with Lydia have been hard. I am not struggling to be patient with her at all, but rather I am just sad to see how far the dementia has progressed. Her sparkling eyes are more distant and hollow. I think that is the most difficult thing. She struggles to hear and so often she merely stares at you and giggles or merely smiles. She finds it difficult to carry on a conversation and I am not sure if is it because she cannot track well enough or she does not hear or the change (removal of medication) has created more problems. I should head to the pharmacy and see if they have restarted one of her medications, which is something we have considered.

The night before last she was so confused about where she was, where she was staying, why I was not staying there, and yesterday morning she was calling for DeeDee, her dog that has been gone for many years. I wanted to take her by her house and will probably do so, but that might be when her nephew is here. Ironically I was just speaking with the people sitting next to me in Caribou and the gentleman, whose name is Neal, lives next to Bill and Mary Ann, Lydia’s friends. Amazing the smallness of the world. I had heard about Neal because of his pizza oven.

What I have learned about Lydia’s disease is that no two people are the same. It is such an insidious thing; I am reminded of what I once wrote about my fight with Crohn’s. "What happens when the disease steals me from myself?" This disease steals Lydia from herself in a more complete and tragic way. She speaks to me as often in German now as English. Good thing I can speak German.

I was speaking with her doctor not long ago and mentioned to him that a year ago I was quite sure I could not keep her in the house during the coming year; that turned out to be true. Now I am not sure she will be alive. I am quite sure she will not know me. That will be a difficult day. It is so unfair. She has done so much in her life. I tell her regularly that she is amazing. She always answers the same way; "I am not that amazing." But most simply she is. She accomplished a great day and she managed a lot of things long after George passed away. I think he is probably very proud of what she has done. I often wonder what her parents must think from their vantage point all these years later. 

Indeed, the tree might not be heard, but there was a sound; physics would tell me this. And while Lydia might be losing what memory she has and not realize how much of difference she has made, it has been a huge difference for many for such a small person.

Thanks for reading.

Michael

Good morning from Starbucks (where Christmas music has begun),

I am in the Andruss Library for my office hours and trying to get caught up on Lydia’s paperwork. Calls to Menomonie and trying to make sure I have all my ducks in a row are the plan for the next hour or so. In the meantime, I wanted to write on my blog. I am very sad that I am not going to Mifflinburg today, and best I can tell,  I will not be going back there. I have asked to return on last time to thank the students for their work, but I am not sure that will happen either. I did speak with Susan, the IU Curriculum Coordinator, and she is going to get the "prize" I promised for extra credit to Becca, the student who actually looked it up for me. I am feeling like the students just got dropped and that does not make me feel good.

I did learn a lot from my 11 weeks of working with them. There are some very good students and it is evident that they are willing to do the work if you hold them to a standard that makes them work to achieve that level. They are normal in that they might grouse about the requirement, but some are more than willing to reach to obtain the goal that is out there. I know that there are some other possibilities down the road. Working with the high school has been a very important experience in my learning. What I need to consider is how might I help them bridge the gap that I knew was there. Now I have a better idea of why it might be there. Is it merely a case of "I-don’t-want-to-work-that-hard" or is there something more? I am not sure I can answer that question, at least positively, but what I have learned is that the answer is usually more complex than what we originally think.

I wonder what I might do differently if I was 16 and I knew what I knew now (and I am only thinking about the way I handled my education). In spite of the fact, I think I recovered for wasted time and little effort, I wonder what I might have accomplished if I had gotten my act together earlier in my life? I do believe that we are always learning and some of the learning that I have accomplished outside the classroom has certainly been valuable. As I have noted in earlier blog postings, I wish my parents would have understood the educational process more than they did. While they mandated that I got reasonable grades (I cannot even say good grades in retrospect), they did not really support my educational process. Is that because they did not go beyond high school? What I do believe is my father was actually pretty intelligent; and I am not trying to be inappropriate when I say, I am not sure I can say the same for my mother.

What I realize now is I was a poster child for a first generation college student. I remember my mother being angry because I was often sick when I came home for breaks and I was generally broke. She could not understand either thing, and she did not have any appreciation for either situation. I do not know how much of this was simply a personality issue between my mother and me and how much of it was simply she did not understand how hard I was working. I was double majoring and double minoring and working and I managed to finish that in four years. Now I realize that was a bit ridiculous, but at the time, I was merely trying to do my work.

What I have realized this fall is there is such a gap between the coursework required in high school and college, but there is also a monumental gap between what they believe will happen and what will actually happen to them as they make that transition. Transitions are to make something smooth, or at least smoother, but I am not sure there is anything that can transverse the gap that seems more and more apparent to me. I think in many ways that was what I was trying to accomplish. I did not realize that when I arrived at Mifflinburg in the early fall. There are also a number of issues that were just not apparent when I made that first drive over. 

At this point, I have a lot of material to consider and more work to think about as I am trying to work on some scholarly piece to manage this. In the meanwhile, I will continue to correct my own papers here and work to help my students complete the semester on a high note.

As always, thanks for reading.

Michael

Hello from the corner of my office (below the wine maven),

It has been a busy few days, and I have a couple of things off my plate. I should note they were taken off my plate, not something I decided to do. While I do understand the decision, I am sad on a number of levels, but life often works this way. I do know that I have learned a great deal in the process and I believe that others did too. I certainly hope I might see the fruits of some of that, but if one only does something for the accolades they might receive, then they should not do it. I think there is a scripture about that somewhere. More importantly, I know someone is hurting because of all of this and that is a tragedy.

It has been an interesting week in this state, as Lydia refers to it as "that damn Pennsylvania". Before you get too upset, remember her opinion is that it is too far away from Wisconsin. It is actually 998.6 miles from my door on Iron Street to the door on Park Circle. I will be making that drive again. This morning I heard early that Joe Paterno had been fired as the head football coach of Penn State, where he has been coaching at some level for something like 60 years. 46 years as the head coach and having amassed 409 victories to be the winningest coach in college football. While I do think he was (and is) an inspirational story, it was the right decision to remove him as coach. As the vice chair of the Board of Trustees put it, to do what was best for the university. I appreciate what someone wrote in the many columns out there today. The university is bigger than anyone person. That is my paraphrase and as such I still need to cite it (Staples 11/10/11). And so it is . . . 

Last night I woke up and had a phrase in my head. I should have written it down (which is often the case) because I cannot remember it now. However, it is interesting that this past week in two of my classes we have been talking about ethics. What the board did, if I am going to be gracious, is act in a principled, or deontilogical way. It was interesting when I spoke with my friend, colleague and Penn State graduate, this morning. We came to the conclusion that there is a lot more covered up here and I am afraid what is yet to come will be even more tragic. It was interesting because my colleague had the "at-that-time-graduate-assistant" who initially reported it as a former student while he was in graduate school at Penn State.

What I think we see in this is the sadness of the human condition. We are all broken people, but even our brokenness does not excuse inexcusable behavior. As another writer put it today, if we do not support the persons who hold up the brokenness for others to see, we become complicit in it, we are guilty (this is also a quote of an article, but I cannot find it at the moment). I am reminded of how things take a life of their own, and I think this is particularly the case when the issue has to do with sexual misconduct. I think this is even more the case in the United States. Why you might ask? Because I believe we profess a puritan ethic, but practice something quite different. It is a scandal on a number of levels.

This morning before all of this happened, I thought about the significance of November 10th for me. It has three specific things to which I have some great affinity. First, Martin Luther was born on this date in 1483. As a former Lutheran pastor, I cannot help but appreciate that. Second, at Tun Tavern in 1775, the United States Marine Corps was founded. As an ex-Marine (is there such a thing??) I also appreciate that. Finally, on Lake Superior, the Edmund Fitzgerald sunk during an amazing storm in 1975. Having spent almost a decade in the Upper Peninsula, I have a great deal of appreciation and respect of the biggest of the great lakes. Standing on the breaker walls in a November gale can make you feel very insignificant.

It is hard to believe that it is already mid-November. In a few days, my younger sister, were she alive, would turn 55. I often wonder how things are back in Sioux City. I have not been there since I moved back to Pennsylvania. It is interesting to me that my attitude towards trying to stay connected to some things in my past has changed. I always felt a need to do so. Some of that has seems to lose its importance. I am not sure if that is good or bad, but nevertheless, I merely try to keep on doing what needs to be done. Over the next couple of months, I need to focus on some of my own writing and getting things off my plate. I think that will be my break.

To those who are struggling to understand the "claiming" I appreciate all of you; to those who are hurting because of all that has happened here in Pennsylvania, which has recently come to light, I am sorry for your pain; to those who have been somehow associated with the things I noted on this 10th of November, I am grateful for your faith, your service, and your appreciation of this magnificent creation.

Thanks for reading.

Michael

Hello from Quaker Steak and Lube (one of my places to hang out),

It has been a very productive few days, in spite of an October Noreaster that brought snow over the weekend. It was actually a pretty ugly drive on Saturday afternoon down the turnpike. I got caught up on my composition classes and my Bible as Literature class is caught up. I will talk about that class more in a few minutes. I should be caught up with my Mifflinburg work by the morning. I was glad to speak with the cooperating teacher this morning and we will continue to work on the paper. This is both exciting and important.

What I have realized in my working with all three classes that there are some significant writing issues. The first writing issue had to do with merely doing research and using sources like they were asked to do. There were a number of students who did no real research beyond using the initial article they were asked to read. For a number of other students they used merely an interview, which while helpful is, again, not scholarly. The second source they used (often) was brainy quotes, which more often than not, were not very brainy!! Yikes! The second issue was that the students used phrases or other things from the article and did not put those things in quotation marks nor did they cite them in text. Simply put, they plagiarized. More kindly put, they misused sources. In either case, this would cause them some very serious pain in a college composition course, or any other college course for that matter.

The thing that amazed me was that when I asked about this students were quite surprised. This led to a very spirited discussion, particularly in one of the sections about why students would not be given such information or why they could be seniors and not understand this. That led to their lament that too often they are being taught to pass a test and not really being taught what they need. This came from them and not their instructor. They specifically noted that they were only required to have a works cited page in their grad projects and that they did not have to cite in text. This is a serious problem because those papers would be hit for plagiarism in a college classroom. Again, they were not happy about this and I think they have every reason to be concerned. But their concerns point out a much larger concern that is part of the whole NCLB fiasco. Before you argue with me, I am all about teacher evaluations and making the instructor a central element of the learning equation. But they are not the most important element. The student must take care of his or her learning, particularly at the secondary level. And then there are parents. Whatever happened to the old adage:"if you get in trouble at school, you are in trouble when you get home." This is an indicative statement, it is not a subjunctive issue. It is not a condition contrary to reality.

As I told the students today, citation is simply this: knowing why; knowing when; and knowing how. If you are going to cite correctly, you must know all three things. It is evident that students, even seniors are not comfortable with nor knowledgeable of how they are supposed to accomplish this. Finally at the end of the hour, in all three classes, I turned them to EBSCO host and demonstrated pretty clearly how they might begin to use the databases to do research. I do think the lights when on for some. I know that some are frustrated with the being pushed to raise their performance and their work to a higher level, but I do hope they will realize that what we are working with will only help them as they move forward.

Susan, one of my colleagues in this venture has noted some other issues. She emailed a while back and I have been so swamped I have not responded. I have to re-read what she wrote and get something back to her. While I think some students were shocked by some of what they learned today, I am certainly hoping they will see me as an advocate to make them more prepared versus someone who merely wants to make them work. BTW, the 4S has arrived  . . . more on that next time.

That is part of figuring it all out. As always, thanks for reading.

Michael

Good Morning from Starbucks and the library;

As I write this, I was supposed to have it written yesterday. The number of things on my plate right now seems rather ridiculous, but it is my life and it is what I am expected to do. So . . . keep working and quit crying and my father would have said. What I have realized lately, is that I regularly say, "My father often said . . ." and then I interject whatever quip or handy fact that he so often offered. A few years ago I wrote in an earlier blog post, "my father has been dead for ten years, but he is still getting smarter." I still believe that and now I am quite sure of it. He was such an insightful person, but also such a giving person. He was always willing to lend a hand to another person who needed something.

Another thing I have realized is I am a great deal like him. I rarely find it difficult to strike up a conversation with someone, though I think I am more introverted than I used to be. Perhaps that is because I find I have little time for people who are disingenuous. While there is a time to "chit-chat", it seems there is too much to do and so little time to get it done. I wonder how I might handle that. I have wondered what causes this sense of constant frenaity (I actually looked up whether or not frenetic could be used as an adjective . . . nerdish . . . perhaps). This morning I did a television interview segment for some of my former composition students who are majoring in Mass Communication (or maybe more appropriately Communication Studies). They asked me three questions:

First, what do I think freshmen need to know as they come to college? I responded, they need to understand the concept of accountability. They need to understand that no one will make them get out of bed; no one will make them read their assignments; no one will stand behind them and ask them if they have their homework done; no one will worry whether or not they are keeping their grades up . . . although there is a slight caveat there. We have an early alert system and first year advisors will follow up on this. In fact, I have to have midterm grades in today for that very reason.

Second, what might they need to understand to make themselves more likely to succeed (that is not exactly how they asked it)? I noted that along with being accountable, they needed to learn how to study and be disciplined. This is more than managing their time. It is understanding how to prioritize; it is understanding how to study on a regular basis so they are not waiting until the last minute. It is understanding that each hour of the day is valuable and that being able to get everything done takes planning; it requires a big picture view and realizing that being in college is an opportunity not a guaranteed option. It is as Adrienne Rich said that paying your tuition does not guarantee your admission into the scholarly community" (Claiming an Education).

Finally, they asked me about my own freshman experience and I was honest about flunking out of college the first time I went. There is actually an entry about that around two years ago at this point, so if you are inclined to look back through my blogs you can read that. What I am sure of is that most of my students feel they are hanging on by their fingernails, but it is no different on this side of the equation. There is so much more to this side of the blank stare than merely going to class and teaching and correcting papers.

I am very grateful to some colleagues who are trying to keep me balanced. I have a tendency (perhaps a penchant) for taking on too many things and trying to manage them all. I do know from where that tendency comes; I know why I do it, and while I have made progress in that, it seems this fall I have fallen back into old habits. Part of that is the flood and the missing of classes. I know, from speaking with my colleagues across campus, that we are all feeling the same way. In the meanwhile, I am glad my fingernails are strong because I am hanging on and getting things done. The rest of the day will be spent getting things off the calendar. I am hoping soon I will get the message that my iPhone 4S has arrived.

Thanks for reading. I do hope that some of the high school students I am working with this fall will comment on this.

Michael

Hello from Lehighton, PA;

While most of the country is reflecting on the occurrences of 10 years ago, I am compelled to mention that many people in the town I now call home, Bloomsburg, PA, is reeling from the worst flooding it has experienced in a century. I know that some of my colleagues have suffered significant damage to their residences and probably lost irreplaceable items that have extreme sentimental and personal value to them. They are in my thoughts and prayers right now. School was canceled as of 4:00 p.m. this past Wednesday, and as of this morning, return to classes will not commence until Thursday morning. That means we will have missed a week of classes. I am not sure what will happen as far as making things up. Such decisions have yet to be made.

This morning I spent the last few hours watching the commemoration that occurred at Ground Zero. People have termed it an anniversary, but anniversary seems to be a very inappropriate term for me. Aren’t anniversaries something that we celebrate. It seems to me whenever you remember something sad or tragic, commemoration seems to be certainly more representative of what you are attempting to do. As I watched the footage of that September morning that decade ago, I could not help but reflect on the fact that Peter Jennings, who teared up when mentioning his children, has himself since passed away . . . or that Katie Couric, who would have been at NBC at that time, and has since migrated from there to CBS and now ABC. Both reminders that life has continued from that day and we have all changed.

When I think about that day, I was attending graduate school at Michigan Tech located in Houghton, MI. I remember a number of us saying we were glad to be in the U.P. I did not know then that I would see so many changes in my life. I have since moved to Wisconsin and now back to Pennsylvania, which is where I had lived before I found my way to the Upper Peninsula. I did not know that the anger and amazement I felt then would be a sense of sadness today. I am sad that all the good will we had among ourselves as Americans and throughout the world has been forgotten. I am sad that the governmental officials we have elected have treated each other with acrimony and incivility to such a degree that little to nothing is accomplished. I wonder if they might learn from the people who spoke so movingly this morning that the greater good and lives are so fragile and important. These are educated men and women, but they seem so selfish and arrogant.

I remember that my students that fall put together the most amazing presentation complete with a video that poignantly illustrated the spirit of people in those first days. I remember being so proud to work with them that semester. It was one of my more satisfying teaching experiences. I wonder if they remember that class as fondly as I do. Since then, I have had the opportunity to visit NYC and rode past Ground Zero and the construction that is occurring there. The memory walls and the wall falls that have been created were astounding to see on television. I know that I have to go back and see them in person.

What I know is that September 11, 2001 was our 21st century "day of infamy", the phrase used by President Franklin Roosevelt following the attack on Pearl Harbor. It is that time I will remember what I was doing and what happened in the days following. As I watched the commemoration this morning, tears streamed down my face as I watch the emotions of those who attended, as I listened to the stories of those who lost fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, and all such relationships. I was particularly struck by the picture of those who were born post 911 who had lost their fathers and the pictures of them now as well as their stories.

Life is so precious, things are so temporary; as I think of my friends and colleagues in Bloomsburg, while I cannot imagine all you are feeling at this moment. Most things can be replaced. Memories will fade, but the strength of life, friends and neighbors will hopefully come through in these coming days and at least perhaps I can be assured as I was in those first days post-911 that the human spirit and goodness can shine through.

Thanks for reading,

Michael

Hello from my surrogate office (aka: Starbucks in the Andruss Library),

While Chrystal tells me she is going to soon charge me rent, I do get a lot of work done as I sit here with my back against the wall at the Starbucks here at BU. This is the second day of classes and the beginning of my third year here at Bloomsburg. I have been asked numerous times how my summer was and I am not actually sure how it was. It was busy and it was scattered, but it was also productive, at least on some fronts. I taught third session and while that class is extremely compact, it is a great class. I enjoy the summer students immensely. There is such a wide variety of personalities and abilities too. I did get some writing done this summer, but it never seems to be enough. I am hoping to get a couple things finished up and sent out in the next couple weeks. I also have some other writing to do regarding the program and development of that program.

I think what amazes me most about my life at this point is how much more satisfying it is than a few years ago. I do realize that I have changed some and grown, both in the way I manage my position as well as how I teach, it is not that I have made a complete 180 degree change,  but my life certainly feels that way. It is so nice to be appreciated and valued. I think it is important for us to realize how we treat each other and how professionalism is not merely something we teach our students, but it is something we need to model. What I am realizing it that while I still had things to learn about being a "tenure-track" person, the support for that development is so much more apparent here. There were people before (in particular, Dan comes to mind), but here the entire department is supportive, and, again, in so many different ways, and with so many different areas of expertise.

The other thing I am realizing is how support for the professional writing program (as I am the "persona" of that) is so much more apparent than support for the Technical Communcation major was in my earlier life. What I am realizing is that I really had walked into a untenable position before. I still remember my first semester (fall of 2003), when the chair, who was on sabbatical, told me that people would not like me because I was part of the program. That did not make sense to me, and, even when I was in the midst of it, seemed petty, I am now more cognizant of how accurate that statement was. More importantly, what I know is that the early faculty of that program have all left, either through job-changes or retirement. Regardless, I did learn a great deal from that experience and I believe it is important to take all learning experiences and incorporate them into our future lives. I do have a rather flippant phrase (yes, I am sure you are surprised that I might be flippant) about learning: "all learning is positive: when it goes well it is positive; when it sucks, I am positive I do not want to do it again. One of the articles I am working on right now is to look at the development of the minor here. I am sure I will figure out some more things about the program in the midst of writing this article, considering its beginning and its future. I think this afternoon, I will do some mapping about the article and figure out what I believe needs to happen.

It has been a very beautiful couple days. I was the closest I have ever been to a hurricane this past weekend. Saturday into Sunday, it rained like crazy. The name of the hurricane was Irene. I figured I better write that intext here so I do not forget. Sometimes, I tease Lydia that we will soon be fighting over her medication. Actually that thought is somewhat frightening to me. I have thought about the trials of growning old more as of later. I am not sure what would be worse losing your mind or having a debilitating physical malady. I do know about chronic pain and that is a very difficult thing to manage. I remember my father and his struggle with Alzheimers. Yet, perhaps not knowing at some point is better than knowing. Perhaps the best is still going to sleep and merely not waking up. Well, so much for a rather morbid turn in this post. yet, someone shared with me that a colleague who is younger than I was diagonosed with cancer, and it sounds like it is quite virulent. What a terrible prognosis.

What I am realizing, as I somewhat ramble today, once again I am a very blessed person. I have amazing friends, a good life, a great job, and, in spite of some significant challenges, I am pretty healthy and capable. Thanks to all who find time to read this and I do appreciate your comments, so please do not be afraid to post something. The picture is actually from last Fall when I visited Nate, Theresa and the girls in Cape May. Amazing how they have grown.

Michael

Hello from the corner of my living room,

It is August which means it is already 5 months since I posted to this blog. I have actually written one other time, but the computer had a hiccup and all my work disappeared. Technology is such an amazing tool, and more of an addiction than most of us probably want to admit. I have bought a new Netbook and it has taken me the better part of three days to get "almost" up and running. Part of that is managing a newer operating system, part of that is entering information, part of that is being a bit anal about needing everything to be exactly right (is that redundant??).

It has been a busy 5 months, however; I have been back to Wisconsin on three occasions. The first visit was lengthy and a lot of things got accomplished and organized. That made the second and third visit more manageable, but it was still way too crazy to try to get so much done in a weekend or a couple of days. It was stressful. Between plumbers, inventorying the house, bats, trying to get everything in tip top shape before we hit fall and beyond. If that was all of it, that would be great, but there is more on my plate, but that is one of my weaknesses. Saying "no" or shaking my head laterally as a former colleague put it has always been a problem. I also taught this summer and I am trying to move the departmental web site to the content management system they use here at Bloomsburg. I have a meeting on that tomorrow. In addition, I just finished teaching for the summer session on Friday. So, it has been hectic. While I say I do not like such things, it seems I find myself in that most of the time.

So will I ever catch up? What does that mean? I do not think that the academy is built for such a option, at least not until you retire. But it was no different in the parish or when I was in school or . . . maybe there is no such thing for anyone. What does that say? What does it mean for our lives and what we are doing? I have pondered that as of late. As I am soon to be in the latter part of the 50s what am I facing. I am certainly not middle aged because I have no qualms in saying I have lived longer at this point than the amount of time I have left. What does it mean to be successful? It success something that we might equate with contentment? Perhaps . . .  I wish for contentment, but what would I need to be content. I am quite sure it is not an issue of money . . . at one point I thought so, but I have realized that money is the proverbial double-edged sword. I think contentment is both a state of mind, but it is also a life style. To be a contented person perhaps what one needs is first to be happy with him or herself. But really happy . . . not afraid of what life will be or not be . . . not so fragile to the whims and actions of others. I think that is one of my most difficult things. I am so much more easily hurt than most realize.

I give to others and I want to believe that I give unconditionally, but I am beginning to see that is not the case. I do expect something in return . . . and what I think I expect is a sort of loyalty or gratitude, can those two things be the same? I am feeling they should be, but really aren’t. Loyalty is something I value greatly . . . it is a sense of taking the time in spite of our business to merely let the other person know that they still matter. I know I have failed to follow up with some people in that way too. I think of one in particular. I owe that person an apology and will need to take care of that soon. If someone hopes for gratitude from the other, perhaps we are being coercive. I think that is a sad thing, but if we are not unconditional, it seems we must find ourselves in that other realm. What I am realizing is that when we offer help financial or otherwise, we must be willing to give and not expect to receive in return. If we are going to offer things financially, we must be willing to see it as a sort of gambling. If you are going to gamble, you need to be able to afford to lose what you take in and you must believe you are probably going to lose it because the odds are stacked against you. So it is with loaning or offering to help someone financially.

All in all, as is usually the case, I find this writing cathartic. I am reminded of what my father said when my mother accused him of letting people use him. He said, "they are not using me because I am willing to do it. If I did not want to do it, I wouldn’t." I am continually amazed how much I am like my father, and he was my adopted father. So it is not genetics, but rather environment. So perhaps, I am not behind. In thinking somethings through, I am a bit ahead . . . why? Because I feel better, a bit more contented. Probably not at contentment, but at least contented. While it might be fleeting, it feels good for the moment. I do plan to write more frequently and thoughtfully as I prepare for the fall. Perhaps it will help keep me from getting behind.

Thanks for reading.

Michael 

Good early afternoon on 420;

While at one point in my life, I would have celebrated this day for what the counter-culture mode for which it is revered, that is no longer the case. Instead I will remember 420 as the day I interviewed at Bloomsburg and it started me on what has been a wonderful two years. It is amazing how my move to Bloomsburg has made my life so much easier professionally. It is more rewarding and more enjoyable. I like Bloomsburg as a community also. It is a very nice place to live and as it is 70 here today and snowing in Menomonie, I will let that speak for itself.

In the past three weeks since we have moved Lydia, I have tried to work with her nephew and now with another person, who has a long history with Lydia. As we changed the locks and put the security system in the house, I contacted John to let him know, trying to keep him in the loop, while doing what I need to do as Lydia’s Power of Attorney (POA). Nate, at the same time, told Lydia that I had called John. Lydia, more emphatically that I anticipated, stated that she did not want John to visit, nor was he to be in her house. She told him and the attorney that by phone. I then had to follow up and tell him about her wishes also. Understandably, he was not happy, but I think there is a longer issue between him and her than the 7 years I have known her. She has often said to me, "George told me to never trust him." George was Lydia’s husband. The second person met Lydia in the 1980s when she was a student at Stout. She became somewhat like a daughter I think, and over the years has come a couple times a year to help Lydia with her spring and fall clean-up projects.

While I met her my first year there, I think, I did not spend a lot of time around her. A few years ago when I revealed that Lydia had changed her trust, I created a difficulty for myself. Both this person and John, I believe started to chat about this. When Lydia had surgery in March 2010, this person came and did a lot of needed cleaning in Lydia’s house. At the point, John confronted Lydia on who was to get her house. He told Lydia he would sue me. I remember this because Lydia, who was barely out of the hospital and rehabilitation center was in tears. She was most upset by this issue. In addition after the "gardener" as I will call her found out that the house was not up for grabs, noted that she wanted the things that were hers. Evidently, she gave Lydia some pieces of furniture to furnish the house after George passed. Long story short, she wants them now. While I am not adverse to her having her things returned, it is an issue of timing. Lydia is still alive and, while her memory is certainly diminished, she knows what she thinks and wants. Lydia’s house and its contents belong to Lydia and not me. I cannot just let people go into her house, regardless of what one has done in the past.

I am trying to figure out the best way to manage all of this, but it is evident that what was blurted out in a drunken state a year ago (or a bit more) by the "gardener" was more true that I had hoped. "I used to think that Michael was merely trying to take advantage of Lydia, but now I know better." Perhaps she still thinks the onset of that statement is the only true part. It seems that is the case. At this point, I want to provide her with an opportunity to receive her property, but it needs to be done with an attorney now. That makes everything more complicated, but it is also for my protection now. I guess that is why I am also writing all of this in the blog. It will allow me to keep a record. As I told Lydia’s attorney this morning. I am not trying to be adversive nor counter-productive. I want to do whatever is in Lydia’s interest. That is my only desire.

At this point, I will document in everyway possible to make sure there is no way for anyone to have to worry. I understand already that the road might be difficult, but I have to persevere. In the meanwhile, the semester is rapidly coming to an end.

Thanks, again, for reading or commenting

Michael